


Sending Crystals Save Messages

by greehouse-gases (pocketbrows)



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Depression, Dialogue-Only, Drinking, Hurt No Comfort, I don't know what made me write this but just, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, This is the most depressing thing i've ever written in my life holy fuck, You've been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 17:40:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12709755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketbrows/pseuds/greehouse-gases
Summary: “Does this crystal store messages? I kind of hope it does. Because I feel like ranting at you for leaving again but I’m just too fucking tired for it all. Damn it.”Dorian disappears, leaving the sending crystal behind. But he never gets a chance to use it. The Inquisitor takes to talking to him through the crystal, even if no one ever replies.





	Sending Crystals Save Messages

 

“Dorian? Dorian. Dorian, are you there? Can you hear me?  …..I’ll try again later.”

“Dorian Pavus, where are you?”

“Hello? Can anyone hear this? Please, if anyone can, return this to Dorian Pavus. He… well, I don’t know where the hell he went but this is his and I need it to speak with him.”

“Dorian? Please, talk to me. I need to know you’re alright. I’m worried.”

“This is the Inquisitor, if anyone can hear my voice there is a small sending crystal that one of my men should have had on him. It’d fit into the palm of a hand, it’s golden and round with a white crystal in the center. It glows when someone’s talking. If anyone can hear this, please, look for the crystal. Hello? Someone, _please_ …”

“Dorian, what… ddddid I do wrong? Doriannn. Dorrr…… I missssss you. Come home, Dor. I’ve opened… a bottle of your favorite! It’s, uh… nine-twenty-something Dragon. I think… I think you were there when I found thissss? Heh – you’d uh… you’d shake your head say something like – aHem – ‘whaaaat are you going to do with that thing? _Drink it?_ Honestly, if you’re _that_ desperate for some good liquor just come to me, I have a stash of wine un-like _anything_ you’ve tasted before, I can assure you.’ Heheheee… I always love it when you teeeeease me. I miss it. I miss… I miss your voice, I miss your stupid perfffect hair, your stupid perffffect ffffface. All of it. I miss kissing that… stupid face. Why did you leave me? Dorrrriannnn, daaaarling. Where… did you go?”

“Dorian _fucking_ Pavus, you _fucking_ respond to me _goddamnit!_ Where are you?! Why did you _fucking_ leave? You _coward!_ Can’t face emotions, is that it? Can’t face _me?_ If you dare to fucking show your face around Skyhold ever again, I personally am going to break your fucking legs and arms and – I’ll feed you to the _fucking fade, dammit!_ ”

“I won’t kill you if you come back. Ha… I’m more likely to break down and fall sobbing into your arms than to break them. Dor, I miss you… so much. If I could just hear your voice, just know you’re alright, then I could… I’d leave you be, if you want. But please, let me know you’re okay.”

“Does this crystal store messages? I kind of hope it does. Because I feel like ranting at you for leaving again but I’m just too fucking tiredfor it all. Damn it.”

“I’ll have you know I tried masturbating with you in mind and ended up breaking down and sobbing and sleeping the entire day away. So… I hope you’re happy. Because I’m certainly not. _Fuck_. I’m pathetic.”

“It’s been too quiet without you here. I’ve stopped going to the library. It hurts too much whenever I see your chair. You left a book open, but I don’t want to touch it… because _you_ left it there. It’s like… a painting of your presence, if not of you. I wish I had some sort of artistic skills. I want to remember every inch of you, every beautiful, _beautiful_ mark on your body. I wish I had had more time to memorize them. I should have done better.”

“I asked Solas if he could draw me a portrait sketch of you as best he could remember. I’ve always been bad with faces. He looked at me with the most pitiful expression. _Pfuhhhhhh_ … ooooh, Dorian. What have you reduced me to? A pining lover? Better not be a widow, or I’ll raise you from the dead to kill you again myself. But, I suppose, that was more your specialty than mine.

“Remember the last time we dueled together? We found that clear space in the empty dungeons below Skyhold and had at it? And we both got painfully horny just teasing each other and bashing ourselves around with spells? Maker, the way you fucked me after you knocked me down, right there, because you just couldn’t wait. It was brutal, the way you ravished me. I couldn’t sit on the throne for a week. It was _amazing_.”

“It’s been just about two months, Dorian. What… what did I do? What did I say, that made you leave? Did I scare you away?”

“Did you leave because of that argument we had after the fade? I was trying to think about the last time we fought… was it because I sent you through the rift before me? Is that _really_ what all this is about? Otherwise… I don’t know! I just don’t. Why – how – Ugh. Dorian, I love you, but I hate you for leaving. Talk about you never forgiving _me_ – when you leave me? With no word? You’ll be lucky if I ever forgive _you_.”

“Or is this because I encouraged you to go to Tevinter, to follow your dreams? Dor, I did that for you. I didn’t want you to hate yourself for the chances you could have taken but never did. Did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to hurt you. Maker knows I never meant to hurt you. Dorian, please come back to me. I’m so sorry.”

“…How was I supposed to respond? Yes? I’ll just fly away with you, leave all my fucking responsibilities? How dare you call me selfish, say that you don’t think you can forgive _me._ No, I won’t take that. And you say emotional blackmail is a nasty thing to pull out of your arsenal? But, _no,_ you would never forgive me, I made _you_ go through first. Did you ever consider – even for a moment – that I _can’t_ do this without you? That if you had been left behind in that fucking Fade, that I’d have sooner thrown myself back off that rocky ledge again? Don’t you dare even try, Dorian. I don’t care if it’s not healthy, not sane, but I… I just can’t. I can’t do this alone.”

“You’ve been around since the start, practically. And maybe we weren’t in love yet, maybe we were hardly friends, but I knew that I had found a kindred spirit the moment my eyes set on you. What we saw in the alternate Redcliffe? If it had been just me, I don’t think I’d have had the strength to get through it. I mean, fuck. I can’t even – I don’t even want to imagine what life would be like without you.”

“I’ve never been good in positions of power, I’m weak-willed, I’ll admit it, I’ve always been, but sometimes I just get so _fucking_ tired of living and going through the routines and putting on this mask of confidence, like I know what I’m doing. I don’t. I haven’t known what I was doing – not ever. I got this fucking mark – I didn’t ask for this, I never would have.

“Third month anniversary of you… oh, you know. I don’t know why I keep bothering with this, as if you can hear me. Maybe I should just throw this damn crystal away. Just another false promise, right?”

“I could never throw this away. I won’t. I never take it off. Please, if you ever… just… speak to me. I will hear. I’ll drop anything, _anything_ just to hear your voice again.”

“I knew that I had to leave the circle, but I’ll be honest with you – I thought going to the conclave was a suicide mission and I gladly fucking signed up. I knew there was no way that it would go smoothly – it was an idealistic dream that couldn’t possibly fit in this messed-up world we are in. And if I’d have never had the chance to go to the conclave then I’d have done it myself.”

“You don’t even know… things like, how many mages kill themselves in circles? No one ever shares that. Why would they. But fucking, shit, I’ve known so many people. So many people.”

“I’ve _loved_ people who have thrown themselves into the fucking fade or burnt themselves to death rather than live in this fucking prison world. And eventually, I realized, maybe they’re right? Even if I somehow got out, what then? Where would I go? I certainly couldn’t go home, back to Ostwick, to see my siblings. Because my elders, they’d cart me back off.”

“Let’s say they didn’t – I wasn’t carted off. I’d be either forced to throw my life away to a chantry and a god I hardly even fucking believe in – or I’d end up marrying some poor fucking child of a girl – because that’s what they do in Ostwick, with girls. As soon as you’re of age, you’re wed. It’s… the most disgusting thing. And I’d be expected to produce heirs, the whole thing. You know that. God, you fucking know that and that’s part of the reason I need you here with me, Dorian. Because no one else knows what the pain of being a mistake is, knows the looks and the emotional and physical abuse, knows fucking someone you know is just as likely to mug you as stab you in the back because you’re fucking desperate and weak and disgusting and you’ll take guilty pleasure wherever you can fucking find it. But with you, it didn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t.”

“I never would have thought – but here we are, and I have a chance to not just change Thedas politically but also socially – a gay mage Inquisitor, the chosen one of Andraste, the Hero of Thedas? You know what kind of power that gives me? To make lives for – for people like us – the better? But if you’re not there with me, then what’s the point? Why even bother fighting for a world that I couldn’t stand to live another day in without you. It’d be – fuck – you’re – I can’t. I can’t even begin to imagine, or describe. It hurts too much, it just…”

“Dorian, I just wanted to say, I love you. It’s been… 4 months. And I still miss you, still need you. Please, come home to me, _amatus_.”

“Where are you now? Where did you go? You just left me. I don’t understand it. I thought – I knew – I just. I can’t even put it into words. But if you want to leave me, if you want to be mad at me for needing you, fine. I understand. I’m sorry if I’m clingy but you’re the only person who treats me like a _human_ and I need that – I crave it like you can’t even believe.”

“No matter how muchhh I drink- I can’t make this… pain… go away. So….. ffffuck you for that. Ruining liquor for me. I’m getting t-tired offfff. Waiting. I just fucked someone else, I went to a bar in Redcliffe. I guess… maybe I’s trying to spite you from wherever… where the hell you are. But I ended up – fuck, why am I telling _you_ this? You… _bastard_. _You_ made me do this. And now I look like I’ve been _raped_ or something and maybe I was, I don’t know, I’m still too d-drunk… I  - I – I need to go. C-clean up. I fffeel… _horrible_ and _d-dirty._ Maker, just let me ffffffucking _die_. Why did I do this. _Why_.”

“It was terrible and he was terrible and I let him _use_ me and I couldn’t… I couldn’t get it… up. I was crying – sobbing, a _mess_. But he didn’t care. He – y’know – I think he liked that, and then he… he fucked me harder and it hurt, _so bad_ , because he hardly used any oil – and he came in me and on me and after he was dressed he spat on me like I was a bad whore and just fucking left. I was covered in some stranger’s sweat, spit and cum and I… I was drunk, I tried, using some sheets and the rafters… but I didn’t know how to proper, so I just fell instead like a fucking idiot and hit my head against the bedframe and now I’ve got this huge gash in my forehead and hickeys and bruises all over me from a stranger I didn’t even get the name of and I’m such a _fucking mess Dorian please come back I can’t stand it anymore_.”

“So, you’re gone now. It’s been 5 months. And I’ll be honest with you, I’m pretty fucking done with life. I can’t get out of this darkness, I can’t, and I’m dying. I know it. I feel it, I can hardly leave my bed, I lock myself on the balcony and hang off the edge and _I don’t even remember doing it –_ Dorian, I swear I’m losing my mind. Maybe it’s the mark, maybe it’s driving me mad – maybe I’ve always had this darkness chasing me looming overhead. It’s crippling.”

“Dorian, I’m afraid that if you don’t come back, I won’t have the will to fight for my life when I need to. I don’t know if I could actually kill myself – not obviously, not the _Inquisitor_. But I… I need to know what happened to you, where you went, what I did, it won’t leave me be. After all, what’s the whole world worth when you’ve got no one to show it to?”

“Save me, please. I need you. Where are you?”

“Please. _Dorian_. Please… it’s my birthday, you know. I can’t believe you would just leave me but the alternate is unbearable and I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I - Can’t – f – uck.. I can’t … I’m, p – pl e a-se, come h – home…”

 

“…….Dorian? …….It’s me. Are you there? Can you hear me?

I’m… I’ve… f-finally. Done… did it. I c-can’t. Broken.

I’m in the tub and I made the water real hot……. Comfortable. And- and I- I-

The water issss…… red. Blood is like….. roses…. flowers. I still have some of y-your s-s-soap. Like spices. It – it’s – all – Dor – it’s all I’ve g-got left of-fff you. Besides…… this. This _fucking_ cr-ch-crystal. _Fffuckin’_ thing, yo-you said you w-would _ffffucking….._ wear it. I b-believed you. Still do.

Water’s warm. ‘S like I can pre… pretend you… you’re… here with me. Holdinme….

‘sgetting dark… fuzzy… Dor… it’s so… r…re..d… I cut little enough…. So I could say my goodb- goodbyes to you…

C-can’t feel m-my h-h… h… hand…s. The m-m-mmark’s… so _bright_ …

Dorian, I… I love… you. _Fuck_.

Ah-hhgnn-fff _uck-D-dor- wh…wh-why…d- d…d..did….you… le…..ave…..me……………….._

_..I………………love ………… you…………………….”_

 

“….. _if anyone can hear this. This is… Cassandra. Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast. I- we found..._

_A man gave a copy of this crystal to the Inquisitor. A man he loved… very much. His name was Dorian Pavus. They were –_

_This crystal, it can transport voice messages… long distances. Dorian gave one to the Inquisitor and then left, no one knows where. But he apparently had the… the other crystal, the pair._

_If anyone can hear this, please inform Dorian Pavus that the Inquisitor is dead. He killed him- he died…_

_He was wearing the crystal when we… when I… found… him._

_…_

_Dorian, what have you done? You bastard. You fucking bastard. You took him from us. He was our last chance and you promised him love and then left. You don’t know how he struggled. How every day was a chore, how the life went out of his eyes, how his magic grew weak, his skin pale, he stopped eating. We tried everything and he put on a brave face but you knew Oskar better than I and even I knew that that man had a darkness inside him that would roar to life when he was at his weakest – would eat his spirit away until he was a shell, would drive him to slitting his fucking wrists in the tub, holding onto the last thing you gave him and the promise that you would stay and love him because no one had ever fucking loved him like that before._

_Pavus, if you’re still alive, you’re… you’re a dead man. I don’t care what the rest of the inquisition says or does officially, but I am coming for you and I will make you suffer for what you did to Oskar._

_You’ve doomed us all, Dorian. Why couldn’t you stay?_

_…_

_We are keeping the crystal – I am – on me – just in case… well, if anyone tries to contact us – the inquisition – me, Cassandra._

_Maker save us all.”_

 


End file.
